Sunday 27 September 2015

Lara Croft and the Faces of Evil

I did a little bit of research on Lara Croft figures recently and the results I found, in some cases, were really amusing. It is amazing how much of bad merchandise is out there but given Lara´s popularity, it is not suprising. What is surprising is the price on some of these items is way too high for the „quality“ of the build and accuracy to Lara herself. This article is just for fun with my descriptions below:

  1. Exhibit no.1 seems to have been sleep deprived for days and the surprised look on her face does not help the impression either. Her ponytail is also very thick and resembles more like another substance. 2/10

  1. This statue looks a bit better than no.1, however, the exaggerated features (especially the „neandertal“ brow) look really odd. 3/10
  2. This poor figurine has seen its better days for sure. The makers obviously heard nothing of body proportions and her giant shorts and shoulders make her look like she just fell of a cliff and this is her mangled corpse. There are straps on her chests for some reason and she wears a really thick red lipstick on her tiny face. One of the worst entries on this list indeed. 1/10
  3. This one is supposed to represent Lara from the movies, so it tries to look more like Angelina Jolie, which I do not think was fully conveyed. 5/10
  4. This is quite rare and expensive figure (around 70 dollars). While the body seems faithful and accurate to what she is like in Tomb Raider Anniversary, her face is quite atrocious with giant nostrils and bags under her eyes. 6/10
  5. Lara here isn´t too bad, however, her face does seem a bit off and her thick eyebrows and prolonged forehead does not help either. 5/10
  6. This Lara has huge eyes and lips resulting in a bit of a grotesque look unfortunately. 4/10
  7. Lara here looks quite alright, the only problem is a very long neck and a big „hair bump“ on her head. 7/10
  8. This was a set including a crocodile and Lara. Given her vacant look on her face, she does not seem to be too scared of holding crocodile´s mouth open like that. 4/10
  9. This Lara from Legend is one of the more expensive ones but it looks really good and worth the money. 10/10
  10. Another rendition of Angelina Jolie´s Lara, very bland looking. 4/10
  11. This was doubted „voluptous“ in the description, but the look on her face is more offputting if anything else. 5/10
  12. This „terminator-look“ Lara is another Angelina Jolie figurine, while a bit more distinct than the other two, the prolonged forehead makes her look like she is balding. 3/10
  13. This is a TR3 catsuit Lara. Her chin seems to be a bit too short, but it is not too bad otherwise. 7/10
  14. This is TR2 wetsuit Lara and I dare to say one of the best looking ones on the list in terms of being truthful to the in-game renders. Not too expensive as well, I really recommend it! 9/10
  15. The new Tomb Raider reboot got its own figures as well and this one has a lot of joints and accessories. It seems to be quite faithful to the game, so another good one to pick up! 8/10
  16. Angelina Jolie clones were quite a few and this one does not fall out of the line either. It seems just as bad as the others with a hint of trying to go for realism, which did not really pay off in the end. 4/10
  17. Lara even got herself to be a bad bear plush toy, if that´s your kind of thing.
  18. Based on Angel of Darkness, this statue seems alright. 7/10
  19. This is what happens to Lara when she rolls around in mud too much. The paint job on this figure is very sloppy, there are much better TR 2013 figures out there than this. 4/10
  20. Cheap version of no.10, this figure is trying to be faithful to Legend, but not as successfully. She seems to have too much of a make-up on her face and the eyes are quite off as well. 5/10
  21. Underworld rendition of Lara is actually quite alright and one of the better cheap ones. 8/10
  22. If this is the expression Lara has each time she exercise, then I rather not see it. It´s not one of the worst, but not exactly spectacular either. 4/10
  23. This is a very expensive statue released for the Temple of Osiris game and damn, it looks awesome (her hair seems to be a bit too big though). 9/10
  24. This is a very big statue and is very expensive. Her face seems alright but it is not quite looking like Lara though. 6/10
  25. TR4 Lara from the intro cinematic has her face covered to protect her from sand, but her very strangely shaped chest section takes the attention. 4/10
  26. Another Jolie Lara, one of the better ones I´d say. 4/10
  27. Angel of Darkness statue, quite large, but not really sure it´s any better than no.19, her jaw line seems to be too wide. 6/10
  28. TR3 Lara with a weird tiny nose, not much else to say here really. 5/10
  29. This is what would happen when you would try to inflate her head like a baloon... 2/10
  30. The only young Lara on this list with her head melted into her neck and with weirdly protruding breasts. 3/10

Bonus points for people who spotted the Lara Croft men´s underwear in the picture. Who would wear it anyway? 

Disclaimer: All the pictures are from Ebay listings and belong to their respective owners.